


The View From Where I'm Standing

by MusicAndFood



Category: Will Grayson Will Grayson - John Green & David Levithan
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-15
Updated: 2014-11-15
Packaged: 2018-02-25 10:36:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2618705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MusicAndFood/pseuds/MusicAndFood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A chapter from the novel rewritten in Tiny's perspective. It follows the plot of the chapter pretty closely, but offers more insight into how Tiny felt during the events of the day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The View From Where I'm Standing

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!  
> So I never originally thought to post this, as it was done as an English assignment, but I decided to search for the novel on the website to see if there was anything written for it already, and here we are. Like I said, this is simply one chapter from the novel rewritten in Tiny's perspective. Nothing more, nothing less. If you've read the book and can recognize what chapter this is, you know how sad it will get.

There are only four days until the musical is set to premiere (and consequently the greatest moment of my life), and I am freaking out. My life is currently a mess. Not only is Will not speaking to me (well, I mean he says words but it’s not the same as it used to be), but also there are about a thousand things that still need to be done to get my musical ready to make its big debut, and I feel like my brain is going to explode and brain goo is going to drip out of my ears, and my blood pressure really can’t be at a healthy level right now, and I just need a break.

So I call will grayson. The gay one of course. When I tell him that I’m going to be at his school in an hour because (whoops) I’m already three quarters of the way through the drive (and skipping school), he says “you’re what?” Even though I can’t see him because hello, we’re talking on the phone, I know he’s making that cute ‘you’ve got to be kidding me’ face, or his not so cute ‘I am so done with you right now’ face. Either way, he’s surprised, but I ignore the possibility of him being mad at me for randomly showing up at his school and tell him to give me the directions to his school because the last thing I need is to get lost on this already stressful day and gas is hella expensive.

After hanging up the phone (which I shouldn’t have been using while I was driving because duh, that’s illegal), I spend most of the time before showing up at his school freaking out some more because I am going to be seeing will grayson and most likely that little twat Gideon who I just know is trying to steal will from me, and also because this mental health day has honestly not helped me rejuvenate and exfoliate my brain quite yet. All too soon I arrive at will’s high school, and I send him a quick text saying I’m two minutes away, but that’s a lie because I am currently sitting in my car in the parking lot with my hands covering my face, trembling, and I can’t let him see me like this. So I use those two minutes to calm myself down and do some yoga breathing and put on my happy face before I have to walk into that building and face the hundreds of eyes that will be staring at me and already labeling me “that fat guy” even though they don’t know anything about me. When I’m as ready as I’m ever going to be, I get out of my car and walk up to the doors of the front of the school and reach my hand out to open one, but I’m too nervous to walk in there alone, so I just wait for will to come out of the doors.

When he walks out, he looks around for a moment before he spots me and a small smile starts to tug at his lips. Logically I know he won’t kiss me out in public where everyone can see, but when he starts walking toward me I think for a tiny little hopeful moment that he will. He doesn’t. Instead he gives me an awkward hug that I guess is supposed to be a manly hug between bros but probably looks to everyone else like one of those stiff hugs you give your overly affectionate aunt (who feels the need to pinch your cheeks every two minutes) because your mother told you to. Before I can even ask what I should tell people to prevent my removal from the building, he flashes a quick grin and informs me that I’m checking out the school because I’m switching out of my own soon. Well alrighty then. I guess I’ve got my bases covered.

will gives me a strange, calculating look, and it makes me uncomfortable, so I blurt out “so this is where the magic happens?” and he gives me this bland look and says something about enslavement and forced testing, and we fall back into the easy rhythm of conversation we normally have. We wonder into the school, and we’re walking next to each other, but I’m still somehow following will because I have no clue where we’re going, when a loud bell breaks us out of the little bubble we’ve got going on and suddenly the hallways are swarmed. I immediately feel bad for taking up so much space when there is clearly not enough to go around.

Like I predicted, everyone’s staring at me like I’m a talking, walking walrus in jeans and a t-shirt. will turns slightly more towards me and whispers “do you always get this much attention?” I just shrug and answer “Not so much. I guess people notice my extraordinary hugeness more here” but that’s a lie because this happens everywhere I go. And then, because I’m not thinking, I whisper “do you mind if I hold your hand?” which I immediately know is a bad idea because will suddenly looks very uncomfortable. He grabs my hand anyway, and all I can do is stare because his hands are so tiny compared to mine, and I wonder briefly how he doesn’t get blown away in the wind, and then I realize how embarrassing this must be for him, so I gently pull my hand away and quietly say “Never mind.” will mumbles something about how it’s not meant to be personal, which I already know, and we keep walking. When I jokingly ask if I can put my hand in his back pocket, he coughs and blushes, and offers to buy me lunch even after I tell him it was a joke. Even with my extraordinary size being a huge clue, I doubt he knows it’s not a good idea for his wallet to be funding my appetite, so I restrain myself and only get an empanada when we get to the cafeteria.

will leads us over to a table that already has two boys sitting at it, who I’m guessing are some of his friends he hasn’t mentioned. They, like everyone else, look a little petrified when I first walk up and practically throw shadows over the entire table. will introduces me as Tiny (and I can’t help but be a little disappointed he didn’t introduce me as Tiny the fabulous or Tiny my boyfriend or Tiny who I care enough about to say more than just his name), but still I feel the need to be friendly since I want to make a good impression for my boyfriend’s friends, so I smile wide and say “Lovely to meet you!” I guess my presence is still a little alarming because the one who I think is Simon just shrinks back in his chair and makes a weird noise. The other boy, Derek, gives me a more welcoming look and says it’s nice to meet me too. Then he asks who I am, and I proudly announce that I’m will’s boyfriend from Evanston. Derek looks like he’s about to burst out in a fit of laughter so hard it will bring tears to his eyes, and Simon’s eyes go wide, and he just keeps looking back and forth between us with his mouth opening and closing like a fish.

I hear another guy’s voice say cheerfully “there you are” and when I look over I see him with his hand on will’s shoulder. I can only assume this is the infamous Gideon. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a pretty friendly guy, but this twig has obviously got his sights set on my man (whether will realizes it or not), and I can’t help it when I shake his hand hard enough to illicit a grimace before I let go and he goes and gets another chair. When he returns I spit out “Now, isn’t this cozy?” through a tight lipped smile and a little too much forced cheerfulness. The next few minutes pass with Gideon trying to make fake conversation (which I see right through), and I stare off in the distance and generally try to ignore him as much as possible.

When Gideon gets up with a short “Uh, I’m just gonna grab a cookie” will turns to me and starts lecturing me about how I need to be nicer. When he glares at me and tells me I don’t even know him, I tell him I know his type. The poisonous, wispy, but altogether cute type. But then I realize that people do this all the time to me, immediately judge me because of my size, and I quickly try to make amends by pointing out that he seems nice. I try to change the topic by asking about Maura, that bitch that broke will’s heart. will subtly points her out, and I keep that information stored in my brain for later use.

Before Gideon gets back with about fifteen cookies, Derek and Simon judge my decision making skills because I got (and finished) an empanada from a school lunch, ask about how long will and I have been dating (four weeks, two days, eighteen hours), and talk about their math competition (which apparently I almost lost for them because will dropped out at the last minute to go to Chicago, where he ended up meeting me).

Not five minutes later and will tells me we should leave, hopefully not because he feels just about as awkward as I do. I hesitate, but then will quietly tells me that there are other places where he would be much more willing to kiss me, and then there isn’t even a decision to be made. We get our stuff from the table, say good-bye to will’s awkward friends (and Gideon), and then make our way to the doors of the cafeteria. Now of course I didn’t forget about Maura, so right before we’re about to leave, I tell will I need to do something really fast and dart away toward her table before he can argue. When I reach her table, will tries to pull me back, but I can’t just leave without calling her out for causing will so much pain.

For a second I feel nervous, but then I remember I’m doing this for will (even if he doesn’t want me to), and I feel ready enough to start talk-yelling at her (because violence is not the answer). I manage to force out “I just wanted to come over and thank you. I’m Tiny Cooper, and I’ve been dating this will grayson for four weeks, two days, and eighteen hours now.” At this point I’m gaining my confidence and I’m remembering how torn up will was the first time I met him, and it’s really not my fault I’m going all mama bear on this girl. I don’t let Maura speak because I’m already saying “If you hadn’t been such an evil, selfish, deceitful, vindictive frenemy to him, we would have never met.” And because I don’t want to just yell at her and leave, I want to leave with my dignity, I say “It just goes to show, if you try to ruin someone’s life, it only gets better. You just don’t get to be a part of it.” At this point I’m nowhere near done but will is tugging on my elbow and telling me to stop, and I calmly respond “I think she needs to know what she’s missing, will. I think she needs to know how happy-” but then will yells “ENOUGH!” and I’m so surprised I stop lecturing Maura and let myself be guided towards the door. Right before we walk out, his face morphs into one of determination and he leaves my side, goes back, and rips out a page in Maura’s notebook, throws it on the table, knocks over her soda, and simultaneously looks frightening and sexy while doing it, even though it’s a bit childish.

  
will storms out of the cafeteria doors, out of the building doors, out into the parking lot, all the while I’m just chasing after him, trying to keep up. I unlock my car, and we both get in. will slams the door a little harder than necessary. He hasn’t said one word to me since I made a scene in the cafeteria, and he keeps clenching and unclenching his fists. He’s definitely angry, but other than the slight movement in his hands, he looks completely fine, and it’s freaking me out. I honestly wish that he would hit me or yell or something, but he just turns to me and practically growls “You really shouldn’t have done that.” Which, wow, now I’m definitely scared; I didn’t know a boy that skinny could speak in a voice that low. I shrink back in my seat a little (which is stupid because I should be the intimidating one) and I ask (without really thinking), a tremor in my voice, “Why?”

Suddenly will’s face shows a tidal wave of emotions. First he looks pissed off at me, next he looks at me like I’m the stupidest person he’s ever met, and then he looks eerily calm. Finally it’s like his resolution has broken, his face turns beet red and he hollers “WHY? Because I’m not talking to her. Because I’ve managed to avoid her for a month, and now you just dragged me over to her and made her feel like she matters in my life.” Which, well, he has a point. He looks so mad I’m afraid he will literally bite my head off if I make a peep, but I’m too stubborn to admit what I did was wrong, so I begrudgingly add “She needed to be taught a lesson,” and cross my arms over my chest.

If anything, this just makes will even more mad. “What lesson?” he shrieks. “That if she tries to ruin someone’s life, it only gets better? That’s a great lesson, Tiny. Now she can try to ruin more people’s lives, because at least she’ll have the satisfaction of knowing she’s doing them a favor. Maybe she can even start a matchmaking service. Clearly, it worked for us.” I know he’s upset, and I know I should admit I wasn’t thinking, but now he’s just being hurtful, and it’s like he doesn’t even think I’m smart enough to realize I was wrong. “Stop it,” I plead. will’s got a wild look in his eyes, as he stares accusingly at me and shouts “Stop what?” “Stop talking to me like I’m stupid. I’m not stupid,” I beg him, tears forming in my eyes.

will breathes out a sigh and slumps down, no longer looking like he wants to kill me and feed my organs to the vultures. He turns away from me with a defeated curve in his shoulders and quietly adds “I know you’re not stupid.” A beat of silence passes. Then he curls even further in on himself and says “But you sure as hell did a stupid thing.”

We sit in silence for a few minutes, neither of us knowing what to say that will make this miserable situation any more bearable. Both of us feel horrible. It’s not just what happened with Maura, I know this runs deeper than that. I guess I was hoping that taking a day away from my own problems would help me get a new perspective, but I’ve only run into more problems that have been simmering for a while now and have finally bubbled over, burning us in the process. I haven’t lifted my hand to put my keys in the ignition.

The silence isn’t exactly comfortable, but it gives us time to think. I don’t know what is running through will’s brain, but I can’t stay quiet much longer. Trying not to surprise will with my sudden statement, I remorsefully say “This isn’t how the day was supposed to go.” will huffs out a strained laugh and replies “Well, you know what? A lot of the time, you have no control over how your day goes.” Every time he opens his mouth, his words drive into my skin like tiny shards of glass, invisible but painful nonetheless. The tears sting my eyes as I say “Stop. Please. I want this to be a nice day.” I start the car, and will still hasn’t so much as glanced at me.

I ask him to direct me to someplace that means something to him, because I want him to feel better. I don’t like this bland look on his face. He asks me what I mean, and I tell him about the place I go to when I’m sad, the Super Target. I tell him about Jane’s indie record store and Will’s little dugout at the local park; all the places that we find comfort in. I steal a quick glance over at him, but he doesn’t seem to be lighting up with any ideas. He just shakes his head and looks back down to his lap. I ask him if he’s sure, but he just tells me the only place he goes to is his room after school. I stare at the road ahead for a few seconds, and then a thought creeps into my head. I ask him where the nearest swing set is, and he looks at me like I’m a crazy person. “Are you kidding me?” he demands, the first time he’s shown any sort of emotion in what feels like a lifetime. “No. There has to be a swing set around here,” I continue adamantly. will suggests the elementary school, but we both agree we’d look like kidnappers if we showed up there.

Ten minutes later we’re back in will’s yard, staring at his neighbor’s house and the swing set in the yard. He shrugs at me, and we hop the fence. When we reach the swing set, I sit down and stare at him, silently and verbally asking him to join me. will seems reluctant, but he sits down. Hoping he’s cooled down some, I ask “Isn’t this better?” will frowns and asks “Better than what?” then immediately looks like he wishes he’d never spoken. I can’t suppress my laughter; will just looks more confused and demands to know what I’m laughing about. “It’s nothing,” I smile back at him. When he demands I tell him, I grin and say “It’s just funny.” will doesn’t understand what’s happening. “What’s funny?” escapes his mouth as his eyebrows somehow furrow even more. It’s us. We’re funny. We’re sitting on a swing set like children, but we’ve broken into his neighbor’s yard to get here, we’re skipping school, and we’ve just had an argument. None of this makes sense, and it’s funny. But since I don’t know how to explain any of this, I just smile softly at him and say “You and me.” will doesn’t seem to find the humor in the situation like I do, huffing and replying “I’m glad you find it funny.” I scrutinize his features, seeing how upset he is. “I wish you’d find it funnier,” I whisper, thinking he won’t hear. In this moment, I see how withdrawn he is. I already knew he was depressed, but it’s just now hitting me how much it affects him, how he can’t laugh at his misery or smile at nothing.

“You know what a great metaphor for love is?” will seems confused by the random question. “I have a feeling you’re about to tell me,” he deadpans. I look away for a moment and start pumping my legs up and down, trying to prepare myself for what I’m about to say. When the swing set lurches violently, it dawns on me that it was made for children, and I’m the size of a fully grown adult, so I stop, wait until my feet hit the ground, then turn back to will. “Sleeping Beauty,” I finally say. “Sleeping Beauty?” he asks. I can tell he doesn’t understand what I’m trying to say. “Yes,” I respond. “Because you have to plow through this incredible thicket of thorns in order to get to Beauty, and even then, when you get there, you still have to wake her up.” I’m trying to get will to see how much work a relationship takes, how there always seems to be another hurdle in the way, but when you finally get love, how rewarding it can be and how much work it still takes. “So I’m a thicket?” he asks, taking my metaphor too seriously. “And the Beauty that isn’t fully awake yet,” I add.

will stares at the horizon and says in a strange tone “It figures you’d think that way. “Why?” I ask. He whips his head around to look at me with accusing eyes. “Well, your life is a musical, literally.” His claim confuses me. Does he not realize how we all have issues, not just him? “Do you hear me singing now?” I demand.

will is silent for a minute. He looks deep in thought, and I don’t want to interrupt him. When he looks up and says “It puzzles me how someone like you could drive all this way to be with someone like me,” I know he was being sucked back into the vortex of self-hatred and doubt he’s been struggling to climb out of. It frustrates me to no end. I thought I had been showing him how much he matters to me, how much he shouldn’t think like that, and I can’t help myself when I raise my voice in exasperation as I say “Not that again!” will seems offended. “Excuse me?” he glares. I try to collect my thoughts enough that I can finally get through to him. “We’re always having this conversation, but if you keep focusing on why you have it so bad, you’ll never realize how you could have it so good.”

will scoffs and kicks at the dirt. “Easy for you to say!” he cries out. Now I’m lost. “What do you mean?” will takes a breath, then rushes out “Pretty much exactly that. I’ll break it down for you. Easy-with no difficulty whatsoever. For you-the opposite of ‘for me.’ To say-to vocalize, sometimes ad nauseam.” will is getting sassy now. He’s hurt and he’s taking it out on me. I think he’s done, but he just continues. “You have it so good that you don’t realize that when you have it bad, it’s not a choice you’re making.” will is backing himself into a corner, trying to build walls to protect himself. I try not to make him even more upset. “I know that.” “I wasn’t saying…” I trail off. “Yes?” he asks expectantly. I try showing him he’s not alone, that I care about him. “I do understand.” will just glares at me with fire in his eyes, yelling “You DON’T understand. Because you have it so easy.”

I was trying to be empathetic, I was trying to help him, but now he’s just getting offensive, rude, and unreasonable. And he’s wrong. “STOP TELLING ME I HAVE IT SO EASY!” I yell at him, standing up from the swing set fast enough that it creaks and shakes slightly before settling again. “Do you have any idea what you’re talking about?” I start again. “Because I’m a person too. And I have problems, too. And even though they might not be your problems, they’re still problems.” will doesn’t look convinced. “Like what?” he asks bitterly.

Now he’s really done it. “You may not have noticed, but I’m not what you’d call conventionally beautiful. In fact, you might say that I’m the opposite of that. Say, you know-to vocalize, sometimes ad nauseam?” I throw his words back in his face. I don’t want him to see how upset I am, but I’m getting worked up and tears are building up again, and this train won’t stop until it has crashed right into the station. “Do you think that there’s any minute in any day when I’m not aware of how big I am? Do you think there’s a single minute that goes by when I’m not thinking about how other people see me? Even though I have no control whatsoever over that?” Of course will doesn’t get that. He’s skinny. He’s attractive. He may not have many friends, but at least people don’t look at him with disgust in their faces. “Don’t get me wrong-I love my body. But I’m not so much of an idiot to think that everybody else loves it. What really gets to me-what really bothers me- is that it’s all people see. Ever since I was a not-so-little kid.”

I’m thrown back into the painful memories of my childhood and ones that are more recent, and they’re pressing down on me, crushing my sternum, and I can’t breathe. “Hey, Tiny, want to play football? Hey, Tiny, how many burgers did you eat today? Hey, Tiny, you ever lose your dick “down there? Hey, Tiny, you’re going to join the basketball team whether you like it or not. Just don’t try to look at us in the locker room!” I blink back the tears and glare at will again. “Does that sound easy to you, will?” He opens his mouth, but I’m not done yet. No, there is too much momentum and fuel throwing me forward and I cannot, will not, stop yet. I hold my hand out, effectively silencing him.

“You know what? I’m totally at peace with being big-boned. And I was gay long before I knew what sex was. It’s just who I am, and that’s great. I don’t want to be thin or conventionally beautiful or straight or brilliant. No, what I really want-and what I never get-is to be appreciated.” This is my real problem. will doesn’t understand what I really go through. He thinks I’m shallow, but there’s so much more to it than just being fat. I continue on, not slowing down. “Do you know what it’s like to work so hard to make sure everyone’s happy, and to have not a single person recognize it? I can work my ass off bringing together the other Will Grayson and Jane-no appreciation, only grief. I write this whole musical that’s basically about love, and the main character in it-besides me, of course-is Phil Wrayson, who needs to figure some things out, but is all-in-all a pretty wonderful guy. And does Will get that? No. He freaks out.” Now I’m not even talking about what I started with, I’m just ranting, but will has called my life a damn musical and he doesn’t understand what I’m really doing with this artwork I’ve been creating for so long; he doesn’t appreciate it. The dam holding back my emotions has broken, and it’s all gushing out.

“I do everything I can to be a good boyfriend with you-no appreciation, only grief. I try to make this musical so it can create something, to show that we all have something to sing-no appreciation, only grief. This musical is a gift, will. My gift to the world. It’s not about me. It’s about what I have to share. There’s a difference-I see it, but I am worried that I am the only frickin’ one who sees it.” I try to center myself and get back on track, to what started this argument.

You think I have it easy, will? Are you really dying to try on these size fifteens? Because every morning when I wake up, I have to convince myself that, yes, by the end of the day, I will be able to do something good. That’s all I ask-to be able to do something good. Not for myself, you whiny shithead bastard complainer who, incidentally, I really, really like. But for my friends. For other people,” I finish.

will looks at me with puppy dog eyes. “But why me? I mean, what do you see in me?” I can’t believe him. After all this, after I’ve poured my heart out to him, will still doesn’t seem to understand how much I love him, how much he could offer the world if he stopped wallowing long enough to look up and see what’s possible. I sigh, I am too fond of this boy. I don’t understand why I still try, what makes him different. If he were like any other boy, I wouldn’t have still been dating him a week ago. I sit back down, next to him on the swing set, hoping it will make him feel closer to me. “You have a heart, will. You even let it slip out every now and then. I see that in you. And I see that you need me.” will looks terrified. He whips his head back and forth. He’s starting to look like a wild animal again as he says “Don’t you get it? I don’t need anyone.” I refuse to believe that. “That only means you need me more,” I try to convince him.

will turns to me with an accusatory finger pressing into my chest. He looks like he’s found the meaning of life. “You’re not in love with me,” he gasps. “You’re in love with my need.” At this point I realize how this conversation is going to go. I’ve gone through this so many times and I know what’s coming next. The best thing I can do is pretend that it doesn’t hurt, that he doesn’t matter to me, that this is what I want. I try to backtrack when I say “Who said I was in love with anything? I said ‘really, really like.’” I don’t want him to know that he means this much to me, and that this will hurt me more than any breakup I’ve had before. I pause. I know there’s no point in hiding it now.

“This always happens. Some variation of this always happens,” I moan. We both know this is the end of whatever we had. “I’m sorry,” he says in an empty tone as he puts a hand on my shoulder. He’s only making it worse. “They always say ‘I’m sorry’ too,” I mournfully say. will keeps pressing. “I can’t do this, Tiny,” he tacks on, punching the breath out of me. He’s wrong. “You can, but you won’t. You just won’t,” I sob.

will still thinks he can make it better. “It’s not your fault,” (They always say that) “I just can’t feel anything.” I turn to him, tears blurring my vision, red eyed, and demand “Really? Are you really feeling nothing right now? Nothing at all?” I refuse to believe he isn’t the least bit affected. will doesn’t respond. I wait. Nothing. I sniff a couple times and wipe my eyes. He’s still sitting there, eyes fixed on the ground. I stand up. There’s no point in me staying at this point. We’ve broken up. Tears have been shed. It’s not going to be fixed. “I’m going to go now,” I state blandly and start to walk away, hoping will might stop me. He doesn’t. He doesn’t say anything. His eyes are still fixed on the ground when I make it to my car and turn back around to look at him. I get in my car. I start it. I start the short drive back home. I know it will feel longer than it should. Maybe now I will be able to clear my head. So much for a mental health day.

Ten minutes later, my phone rings. I glance at the screen shining from the leather of the passenger seat. If it’s will, I will not answer. I will not give him the satisfaction of humiliating me even more. Plus, it’s illegal to use the phone while driving. At least that’s the excuse I use in my brain. But it doesn’t matter, it’s only my mom, probably mad at me after finding out that I skipped school today.

I get home. I unlock the door of my house. I go inside. I ignore the angry voices of my parents demanding to know where I was. I sit in my room in complete darkness for what must be a couple of hours. For the first time since I had the flu and was throwing up every hour, I don’t feel hungry. Sometime later, the screen of my laptop lights up with a message. It’s 8:15 PM and will is trying to talk to me. “bluejeanbaby?” it says. I do not answer. “Tiny?” he types. I do not answer.

At 8:18 he tries again. “Are you there?” Yes, I am here. My body is here, but I do not feel like I am here. My heart has been ripped out and crushed into a fine powder. I do not get up to answer. 9:33 PM: “Are you there?” No. I am not here. 10:10 PM: “Please?” It does not matter that he begs now. He should have begged me to stay when we could have worked through our argument. I do not answer. 11:45 PM: “Are you there?” Sleep has not reached me yet. I do not answer. 1:03 AM: “Are you there?” “Are you there?” “Are you there?” “Are you there?” all in quick secession. I do not answer.


End file.
